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The Permissive Parenting Style

A permissive parenting style is an easy trap for adoptive parents to fall into, but if you choose to parent your child without rules both you and your child will suffer for it.



father with adorable baby Trust me; I understand. You've been waiting for this precious child forever. You have likely struggled with infertility issues and have had to prove time and again to social workers, adoption case workers, workers overseas, and likely yourself that you truly are a good parent who will love your child always.

However, these feelings of inadequacy and guilt, these longings for a relationship with a child can turn to your detriment if you succumb to the temptation of a permissive parenting style.

What is a Permissive Parenting Style?

It's an environment where you strive for peace, love and happiness at all costs. You want your child to feel loved, and if we were to be brutally honest about it, you really need your child to love you back, so instead of being a parent, you act more like a friend. You become lax about the rules and bribe your children into behaving with goodies and gifts.

The Costs of a Permissive Parenting Style

Children who are raised by permissive parents tend to become adults with no self discipline and very little respect for the boundaries of others. They become instilled with a sense of self entitlement. They want it, so they are going to have it regardless of what the other person's needs or wants are.

The results of a permissive parenting style are dangerous for teenagers and devastating for a grown child. A teenager with permissive parents is likely to get involved with alcohol and drugs and other dangerous behaviors. The adult who has been raised with permissive parents will likely be unable to have healthy relationships, keep a job or manage their finances.

I don't think anyone truly wants their child to end up this way, but it will happen and sooner than you think unless you make the decision now that there will be rules and you will enforce them.

How to Avoid Being a Permissive Parent

If your children realize you value peace and good feelings above all else, you give your children power over you that in the long run destroys your relationship. You will harbor deep feelings of resentment toward your child, and he in turn will resent and disrespect you.

Instead, make sure your needs for friendship and love are met by someone other than your child. Yes, there are rewards to adopting and raising children, and yes, they will love you. But they are not there to meet your needs. You are there to meet their needs, and what they need most of all is a loving parent who is not afraid to set rules and enforce them, even if it means occasionally making a child angry. By giving your children the freedom to dislike you from time to time, they learn to follow the rules and respect the rights of others. They also love you more. Sounds odd, I know, but we most strongly desire those things that are harder to obtain. So set rules for your children, enforce them, and someday you will have the responsible, kind adult you always dreamed of having.

How to Become a Positive Parent

Teach your children that good behavior will lead to positive benefits. There are a number of ways to do this, including using a parenting program that allows children to earn tickets for demonstrating good behaviors and positive values.

Learn to modify your child's behavior by watching your language. By stating commands in the positive rather than the negative, you can teach your children in subtle, yet powerful ways.

You can practice better discipline methods by teaching your children that it is their behavior, rather than your anger, that has both positive and negative outcomes, eliminating your anger and frustration in the process.

Peace at Home

There are excellent programs out there to help you with this goal. The important thing is to take a positive step toward positive reinforcement parenting. Your home will become more harmonious, and you'll all be happier and live in a more peaceful environment.

More Information on Raising Adopted Children

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